Who Are Me

Each of us is a result of the universe creating the reality or illusion of a separate self. For myself (as i gather is true for many if not all of us) the deep fear can arise - do i belong? Is it okay for me to be here? We often seek reassurance around this from others. If this other person - a part of the universe separate from me - wants to spend time with me that can help me know that i am wanted, that i do belong here.*

I was exploring this some months ago with my housemate TomAtlee, specifically how one can have companionship that gives such reassurance when for whatever reason one is not getting any or enough contact of the right kind with other people. He pointed out that many people get this through god - they conceive him/her/they as a constant companion, someone they have a relationship with, perhaps talk with, and thus be reminded that they have a place here.

For reasons i won't go into here, i wasn't interested in intentionally anthropomorphizing god in that way, and i took the inquiry in an inward direction - how can i get that kind of reassuring companionship within myself? A book trilogy came to mind (Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials) taking place in a different world from our own. Each person in this world has a life-long companion - a "daemon" - which when the person is young can take on any small animal shape. Some time in the person's late adolescence the daemon takes on a permanent form which often reflects something about the person. Daemon and person cannot be separated by more than five or ten feet (they experience intense pain if this is pushed), and if either dies the other soon follows.

What becomes clear over the course of the books is that these daemons are their respective persons' souls made physical. When the main character eventually visits our own world, she realizes that we do not have daemons, that our souls remain invisible, insubstantial, unavailable to easily relate with. She feels sorry for us, imagining how lonely this makes us.

What went through me last week as i woke up was awareness that i have a constant companion, in all the sensations, emotions, and values/needs that are alive in me, dancing moment to moment. These offer endless opportunities for me to be in relationship with myself - each moment there is more going on within me than i can possibly attend to.

It also came to me that each moment's experience is both fresh, new, never existed before and echoes of past choices and experiences - the aching head of a morning hangover, the sore ankle from twisting it last week, the glow of love seeing something that reminds me of a sweet connection with a friend. I'm not sure what matters about this new/old mix, exploration continues. And this separation of self into an inner witness on the one hand and my experiential self on the other must be only one way of imagining a relationship to myself. The inquiry is into anything that supports my sense of belonging. I am here!

In a sense none of this is new to me - many practices i already engage in regularly - e.g. MediTation, NonviolentCommunication's self-empathy, and of course MindfulnessDay - are all about relating to one's moment-by-moment experience. The epiphany is in seeing these practices as ways to experience companionship when i am alone, and generally bringing this inquiry more alive.

While i was writing this, a fourth direction besides other people, god and the inward self-companionship came to me: companionship with other 'parts' of the universe - plants, animals, rocks, air, bacteria, etc. Many people certainly seem to seek that kind of reassuring companionship from pets. Try sitting for a while with awareness of air as an 'other', as a lover!

I look forward to other discoveries as long as this inquiry remains alive in me. ContactMe if this has stirred anything in you which you would like to share.

* Seeking this reassurance from others - or from any source - can cause a lot of trouble if we confuse the deep inner desire for belonging with any particular worldly manifestation that convinces us that we do belong - we might forget that there are different ways we can be reassured, or that simply being fully aware of and present with the deep urge to belong can transform any pain around it.

Another potential pitfall is if we confuse this reassuring purpose of relationship with the full variety of purposes that companionship for its own sake. An over-simplified image of this would be one person in a relationship thinking it's about living a life together - caring for each other, supporting each other materially & emotionally, etc. - while the other is in it only for the reassurance they get that they're an okay person. (The complex reality is that most of us do both in different measure in different relationships, and at different times.)